And Now for Something You Never Expected*

I got home from Prince Albert a couple days ago, and I am very glad to be home. Not that I don’t love my friends and father there, but I really missed Ashley and Zoey. I’m used to seeing them everyday, and they’ve been my sunshine in the rain. But in the 2 weeks that I was there I worked a lot and made a nice amount of money that will carry me until I get a job.

Prince Albert seems a lot different to me now. I used to live there every summer during college. I had guaranteed employment and my parents were there so it made sense. I had built up a lot of relationships and bonds with friends too, and it was great in the summers to have so many cool people to hang out with. However, now my parents are separated and on the way to divorce, so my dad lives in Prince Albert with his fiance and my mom lives in Alberta. I never really thought that I would be here at this point in my life. There is an expectation that if your parents have made it through 25 years together then they’ll be together forever. Not so in my case, and I know that sadly my circumstances are not unique.  Sometimes I think that it would be better if my parents had split when I was a kid because then I would have hopefully been left out of everything. When you are an adult your parents think that they can have crazy expectations. The expectations are the worst part.

I am expected to have no boundaries or personal rights, or at least not enforce them.

I am expected to accept or at least act like I accept everything that has happened, does happen, and will happen.

I am expected to listen to everything but not share my honest feelings on anything.

What I’ve learned through my parents divorce, besides learning to never put my children through a divorce, is that divorce makes people mean, manipulate, and selfish. This seems to be one place where the movies got it right. Divorce sucks.

The Sad Puzzles*

So I have been really bored lately. I am trying really hard to find things to occupy my time and give me some purpose, but it’s not really working. Funny that the thing I have chosen is puzzles. Some of you may think that that sounds super lame, but I really love puzzles. But they also have some sadness too them. When I was growing up I wasn’t always the happiest kid. We lived in a really small town in Northern Saskatchewan and so there was not much to do or many people to do anything with. This, accompanied by the fact that my parents fought what seemed like constantly, led to me sitting in the basement with my sister watching cartoons and doing a puzzle. Even when I became a teenager  I still would do puzzles anytime I had a bad day. My family eventually started equating puzzles to depression. If I was doing a puzzle in the basement it meant that something was wrong. If I also happened to be watching Pearl Harbor then something was really wrong.  I guess it makes sense that when I’m going through a hard time in my life I turn to a childhood coping mechanism. It makes even more sense when you know that my parents are going through a divorce, hence they are fighting a lot. I think I turn to puzzles because I can focus all my attention on solving something. I am naturally a problem solver, so when I can’t fix something I get frustrated. According to Steve Harvey’s book Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady this is a strong quality of a man. He says that men will listen to the problem, give a solution, and then move on. They get really frustrated if you keep talking about a problem after they told you how to solve it. So apparently I am a man.

I think another big reason that I am so frustrated with not finding a job is that I don’t have that thing to go do and distract me from other issues. I don’t have a routine or reason for getting up and going. Every day I wake up, run, shower, get dressed, do hair and make up, then go to hang out with my sister and niece (who are amazing). I’m starting to feel as though I’m just complaining, and no one finds that very attractive. Many people would kill for a couple months off. And I’m sure that once I actually get a job I will be wishing I had more time off. It’s similar to when you start dating. I used to date a lot when I was younger, but I always seemed to seek out the biggest loser around and date him.  Now I have realized that I dated them because I wasn’t happy with myself so I sought approval through men. Once I realized I was doing this I stopped dating all together for the last 3 years. Seems like a long time, and it is, but I am so glad that I took that time to work on myself. I finally feel confident in who I am and I am happy being alone. I want to find someone, fall in love, and get married but I am truly okay with it not happening immediately. After going through that process I now believe that unless you are okay enough with who you are to be alone, you shouldn’t be dating. I’m thinking that I should adopt that philosophy with job hunting. I need to get to a place where I am cool with not having a “purpose” as defined by a job. My purpose should be to learn be happy and passionate with life no matter the circumstances. That seems like a better focus than puzzles.